desikitteh{HH} (aka the teadragoness.) (desikitteh) wrote in abusedbutcaring,
desikitteh{HH} (aka the teadragoness.)

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it's been nearly almost 9 years. but i've never dealt with what happened to me that night. i don't know how to deal with it... and i don't want to. but i don't want to relive it every time the word rape is mentioned... and at the moment that is what happens. i am a victim because i can't face what happened, and i can't forgive myself for being so easily manipulated and controlled. i hate him for taking away my right to chose, my ability to say the word no. i hate him for knowing i was vulnerable & sad, then instead of being kind to me, like a boyfriend should be, he used it against me.

but i hate myself, too. i hate myself for letting him see that i was vulnerable, i hate myself for allowing him to get me alone. i hate myself for the times that i try to tell myself that it wasn't rape because i didn't fight back... the times i tell myself that it doesn't matter that i couldn't move, speak, or even think, that it makes it okay because i did & said nothing. but the thing i hate myself for the most, is the fact that i know that no matter what, it's NOT my fault, but i still hate myself.

but how do i deal with something that scares me so much, that makes me want to SI at the mention of the word? and more importantly, how do i deal with something i just plain do not understand?

i want to be a survivor, not a victim... but i don't know how to be.
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