but i hate myself, too. i hate myself for letting him see that i was vulnerable, i hate myself for allowing him to get me alone. i hate myself for the times that i try to tell myself that it wasn't rape because i didn't fight back... the times i tell myself that it doesn't matter that i couldn't move, speak, or even think, that it makes it okay because i did & said nothing. but the thing i hate myself for the most, is the fact that i know that no matter what, it's NOT my fault, but i still hate myself.
but how do i deal with something that scares me so much, that makes me want to SI at the mention of the word? and more importantly, how do i deal with something i just plain do not understand?
i want to be a survivor, not a victim... but i don't know how to be.