I tend to have very vivid dreams... ones where i am convinced that i am awake. they're often scary, often violent. but tonight i had the worst one i've ever had. in the dream someone tried to rape me.
I was laying in bed on my side (as i really was... such details are always correct) when someone climbed on top of me, pinning me down. i tried to push them off, this took me four or 5 goes (in these sorts of dreams, self defence actions are difficult or impossible.) fortunately i managed to get the person OFF me (by waking up) before anything further happened.
okay, so nothing happened as such, so what makes this a rape dream? i could sense the intention. i knew what this person was going to do to me... if i didn't wake up in time.
there were some odd details that i need to talk about, ones that made it scarier for me. when i looked up at the person, it was my ex, E. i recognised him, despite the fact his face was turned away. (E used to physically force me to give him blow jobs. he knew i had been raped, he knew i was somewhat uncomfortable with sex. (hell, he was my first serious relationship. 3 years after a rape that i had blocked out for most of that time.) and he was perfectly okay with me pushing him off during intercourse... so long as he got his damn blow jobs! looking back, i suspect that had i fought him on them, he may well have raped me, too. he took to physically hurting me by squeezing a disc in my neck near the end of our relationship.) Then as soon as i had registered who it was, he turned his head towards me, and changed into a stranger... but with hair the same colour as D (who raped me when i was 15.) there were no other similarites, but that hair colour was definately the same.
what i don't understand is why this has come out now. i'm tempted to write it off as the result of talking to a friend about the rape on saturday, but i didn't even touch on the subject of what E did, and i would have assumed that a reaction to that conversation would have occurred that night, not the night after.
i don't really know what i want to come of posting this. i just know i needed to tell this to people who would know what i was talking about, because as much as my fiance loves me and cares, all his trying to understand lacks one huge thing. he has never been through this. and for his sake, i'm glad. he's there's to cuddle and protect... more so, i imagine, than most guys would be. but for this, i need more. but i have you all for that, don't i?